Oh Gary. Sending out blog comment spam must be wearying if a professional like you manages to miss a rather clear statement that appears in the footer of every page on this blog.

Here, as promised, is your treatment.

This infestation began 2 weeks ago.

Date: Wed, Aug 15, 9:30 AM
From: Gary <email redacted@gmail.com>
Subject: Coming in cold, hoping to help :)

Hey Alan,
Thanks for opening up this email. I’m Gary Stevens and I’m a front end developer of 6+ years.

Hey Gary. I have no idea who the f*** you are. But those 6+ years are highly impressive.

Not.

Emailing you today to see if you’d entertain the possibility of a high quality guest post or ideally… if I may be so bold…..having me on as a regular contributor. [emoji redacted]

I might ask Gary, as such a serious front end developer, if you looked at the little notice on the footer of every page of my blog? Or maybe you put those 6+ years of skill ar work to notice that there is not one single guest post writer on my blog?

Here are five listicle style ideas I think would work well, they are a mix of both technical guides and general biz dev.

When some dude wants to offer my his listicles, well that’s a rather perverted sounding offer. Maybe, Gary, you can tell me how many such things appear in this blog? Or maybe you missed the mocking thereof of the list-word?

Oh well, here comes his dangled offers…

  • 4 Tips to Better Website Security for SMEs – After the recent Equifax hack the importance of cyber security has be reaffirmed. This post would cover some easy DIY fixes for SMEs web security.
  • 8 Steps to Decreasing Website Loading Time By 50% – CSS, JS minify, image optimization and CDNs. I’ll explain some easy to understand terms/methods and what they mean.
  • 4 Beginner Tools for Conversion Rate Optimization – CRO can massively increase the ROI of any earning website and while it used to be fairly technical it’s become easier with the tools available, this post will explain those tools.
  • 8 Costs That Startup Owners Should Never Skimp On – Common areas which are often neglected which led to decreased growth, user experience and efficiency.
  • 5 Ways to Save Time and Your Sanity with SOPs – Scaling a business is hard without standard operation procedures that allow tasks to be assigned and tracked easily.

These are all topic that I have never written about here. That does not mean you have done a successful gap analysis. It just means your ideas are below persistent diarrhea on the turd scale.

But nothing stops Gary. Not even common sense.

All of these topics can be expanded on or modified to fit your audience. It would be well written, edited, formatted, interlinked to existing content and I can find images as well.

Wow, images. I ‘ve never used images in my posts before. You are a GENIUS, Gary. Genius. And links too!!! I never ever thought of linking to content. Nope, not in 25 years of writing web content. I cannot even locate the proper emoji to represent my excitement.

https://www.sitepoint.com/spam-link-redacted
https://www.tripwire.com/state-of-security/spam-link-redacted
https://socialnomics.net/spam-link-redacted
http://blog.creative-tim.com/spam-link-redacted
https://www.skillsyouneed.com/spam-link-redacted
https://www.themely.com/spam-link-redacted

I will definitely pass on clicking your links.

Hope to hear back from you soon, [another f***ing emoji redacted, I loathe emojis]

Gary

Maybe Gary saw my tweet?

Nope, because he did not stop spamming.

Date: Mon, Aug 20, 8:22 AM
From: Gary <email redacted@gmail.com>
Subject: Gary here again…

Hey Alan,
It’s Gary. You may remember me from my awesome guest post inquiry last week where I pitched you 3 great topics.

Hey Gary, you may have noticed I ignored you. Most sentient organisms beyond parasitic slugs would take that as a sign of no interest. But an experience ass end developer spammer like you will not let go, eh? Tenacity here is no virtue.

The good news is that offer is still on the table. [3 lame ass emojis redacted]

Define “good”, Gary. What is good for you? Like a daily enema? Leeches for breakfast?

No bad news either, just wanted to see if you’re still interested and if so… I can get started on one of them this week.

I’m also up for writing on other topics as per your suggestion

Thanks!

Gary

Take this Gary as a message. Me trashing your email without replying is a clear interest. About the only thing worse than cold emailing offers to someone who has no business relation to you is (a clear violation of the CAN-SPAM act) is the follow-up “Did you get my message?”.

For you Gary, more mocking on twitter.

Do you get me message?

Nope.

Today, the third volume in this fantasy series.

Date: Mon, Sep 3, 8:31 AM
From: Gary <email redacted@gmail.com>
Subject: They say persistence is key

Hey Alan,

I’ve sent you 2 emails previously about contributing to your site.

Hey Gary, I have ignored both. Shouldn’t that be an indicator of my lack of interest.

Just wanted to follow up one last time.

I did not want that.

I know you’re probably busy and get a lot of emails, but I thought I would follow up to show I’m serious about writing you a great guest post. [emoji redacted again]

You’ve only shown my that you are serious about being a rotten piece of cockroach crap on the internet.

Let me know if you change your mind.

Read between the lines.

Thanks again for your time :)

Gary

Gary, you are so unwelcome. So you get the treatment. Shall I send you the link?

I really have no idea how this persistent wave of email spams offering to write crap on my blog I did not seek even works. What is the angle? Why would Gary (and fellow cretins) spend so much effort doing this? Why not, Gary, actually do something that contributes to society, rather than shitting all over us.

And like the sign in the image, that says “Stop” most people in the world know what to do. Low life excuses for a human like Gary read that as “Proceed Anyway”/

Enjoy your treatment, Garys of the internet. I will spray cockroaches every day if I have to.


Featured Image: The best part of doing a google image search for open licensed images with key words hidden sign is finding the first result is a flickr one from a guy in Australia named Michael Coghlan. That’s because Michael is a friend who I have hang out with down under. Keep the internet serendipitous.

If this kind of stuff has any value, please support me monthly on Patreon or a one time PayPal kibble toss
Profile Picture for Alan Levine aka CogDog
An early 90s builder of the web and blogging Alan Levine barks at CogDogBlog.com on web storytelling (#ds106 #4life), photography, bending WordPress, and serendipity in the infinite internet river. He thinks it's weird to write about himself in the third person.

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