creative commons licensed ( BY-NC ) flickr photo shared by publicenergy

They will let anyone on the internet.

From the idiot email box today, here we go again… the tell tale subject line “I would like to collaborate with your site” — here is how you collaborate on someone else’s blog:

  • You leave a human, genuine constructive comment.
  • You write a post on your own blog and link to mine.
  • You actually (****tard) read what is on someone’s blog, like the part of mine that says

    Send those e-cards and e-letters to cogdogblog at gmail dot com except requests for request to post links, guest blogs articles, or product reviews. I don’t do that stuff. If you bug me, you get the treatment.

Alas, this is too much for a MARKETING SPECIALIST to understand. Here we go, let’s see what the GENIUS Offers

Dear Sir/Madam,

I can feel the caress of your individualized attention. Or maybe you think I am gender challenged? You pretty much lost me right there, doofus.

How are you? I hope you don’t mind that I contact you today. I am emailing to ask if you would be interested in accepting articles for your site.

How am I? F****ing annoyed at crap people like you waste TCP/IP packets on. I am responding to you, again to say DID YOU EVEN LOOK AT MY SITE? HOW MUCH MORE BLATANT DOES THIS NEED TO BE– oh ye of Marketing Expertise?

roach turds

I have a campaign I am currently running for which I feel that your website would be a great fit. My client is a respected provider of online casino. I am looking to provide you with an informative, entertaining, and well worded article which contains only one text link to the page of my client and does not look like advertising.

Ahhh, you have carefully done your research to know my blog’s topic include casinos. I also apparently write about Michael Kors handbags, nike shoes, growth hormones, Kansas City Pawn shops, How to Get10,000 Instagram Followers…

No, Screw you, and screw your client, you scum sucking roach.

We are keen to establish a mutually beneficial relationship with you. Could you please let me know if you would be interested?

I am keen to establish a mutually beneficial relationship between you and an intestinal parasite. Sir/Madam, can you measure my interest now? Can you? Do you feel what I’m sayin’?

I look forward to hearing back from you.

Please hold your breath while you wait. In fact, why not jump into a Port-o-Potty and keep your head submerged while I compose my reply. It will take me a while to spell check my message.

Kind Regards,

Juliette Duprès
Marketing Specialist – Omnibuzzmedia

I wish you continued success Juliette in your Marketing Expertise and hopefully bankruptcy for Omnibuzzmedia which I understand has the “brightest consultants in the field”. OMG, I love this line on your slick web site (omg I smell drupal there) — “Sharing is Caring”

Yup, you used my email without regard to me, so here is yours published on my blog, the only link you will get from me. I hope your email is added to some poop licking email spammer list. I wonder if you spam yourself?

And here you go, you are top of the dung heap of The CogDog Treatment.

Have a crappy day.

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An early 90s builder of the web and blogging Alan Levine barks at on web storytelling (#ds106 #4life), photography, bending WordPress, and serendipity in the infinite internet river. He thinks it's weird to write about himself in the third person.


  1. Man
    You wrote exactly what I think when I get those, Dawg. But you are more articulate with your poop references.
    Love the “I wonder if you spam yourself” line. Seems like a good line for a comic …

  2. Ha! You got me laughing out loud at with this sustained rant.
    Not that it matters, I suppose, but your would-be correspondent was probably the only person in the office who had a smattering of English, so the poor bastid got the job of writing these pathetic spam sandwiches with the help of Google Translator. Probably lives in a cardboard box in Bangalore, and that’s probably not an exaggeration. Probably he couldn’t read your dire warnings anyway let alone understand them…

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