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Uncle Norman! Thanks for the Spam!

cc licensed flickr photo shared by chotda

That is some tasty looking spam sushi, but not as good as this gem that was sparkling like a cubic zirconia in my inbox. The beauty was the letter was attached as a PDF and allegedly referred to a manufactured relative with my last name:

Dear Levine,
I will like to seek your help in a business proposal , which although is sensitive by nature and not what I should discuss with someone I don’t know and have not met using a medium such as this but I do not have a choice.

Well desperate times call for desperate spammers. After the warm personal greeting, how could I not read on?

I am Mr. Xxxxxx Xxxxx, personal account manager of late Dr. Norman Levine, who died of a cardiac arrest a few years ago leaving behind a large sum of money with a commercial bank in the Island of Seychelles which is a tax free zone, a place where plenty of rich people tend to hide away funds not ready to be used or invested, I am also the Client Service manager of the Kenyan branch. I will not mention the amount of money which runs into several millions in United States Dollars and name of bank presently until we have agreed to deal. I trust you will understand the need for such precautions.

Do I ever understand! Thoes precious millions from Uncle Dr Norman! But which Dr Norman Levine is it? The dermatologist form Tucson? The breast augmentation specialist from Oklahoma City (that sounds plausible)? The history prof from Maryland (doubtful). So many Norman Levines…

So far, valuable efforts has been made to get to his people but to no avail, as he had no known relatives more because he left his next of kin column in his account opening forms blank and he has no known relative. Due to this development the bank has been expecting someone to come forward as a close relative to claim the funds otherwise as the Seychelles national laws would have it, any dormant account for five years will be declared unclaimed and then paid into the government purse.

Oh that crazy forgetful Uncle Norman? How could he forget me, his favorite nephew? All those memorable days at the racetrack where I placed his bets? The velvet lounges in Atlantic City where I fetched his Old Fashions from the bar? The escorts I picked up for him (in sets of three) in Manhattan?

To avert this negative development my colleagues and I have decided to look for a reputable person to act as the next of kin to late Dr. Norman Levine so that the funds could be processed and released into his next of kin, which is where you come in. We shall make arrangements with a qualified and a reliable attorney to represent you locally to avoid any inconvenience of you coming down to claim the funds

Thanks for looking long and hard to find such a reputable person. As part of the inconvenience avoidance I bet you want some bank account numbers, eh? Yep, I just fell right off the turnip truck.

All legal documents to aid your claim for this fund and to prove your relationship with the deceased will be provided by us. Your help will be appreciated with 30% of the total sum which I would disclose in my next email Please accept my apologies, keep my confidence and disregard this letter if you do not appreciate this proposition I have offered you.

I wait anxiously for your response. Please also include your phone number in your response.

Woot! 30% of all those millions hidden in the Seychelles! What are the odds of this happening?

Oops, did I not keep the confidence by blogging this?

Drats, there goes another inheritance again, When will I learn?

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An early 90s builder of web stuff and blogging Alan Levine barks at on web storytelling (#ds106 #4life), photography, bending WordPress, and serendipity in the infinite internet river. He thinks it's weird to write about himself in the third person. And he is 100% into the Fediverse (or tells himself so) Tooting as

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